Is your mind too loud to take this question seriously?

Does talking about the heart, annoy you?

Are you angry right now?

Or did thinking about your heart, put a giddy smile on your face?

Are you afraid? Of the pandemic? Of the war? Of inflation? Of AI? Of Poverty? Of the Prom? Of Your dad beating you? Of sex? Of fascism?

Whatever the state that I find you in today, may you allow yourself to feel it completely.

Emotions are everything. Let them pass. That’s all you need to know.

I write you this momentary farewell while I sit in front of a glistening sun that is setting on an ever-expanding, rolling desert.

The mountains seem to hold the view together, just like a portrait.

A belt of lusciously green shrubs and curvy Joshua trees grows loudly despite the desert’s harshness.

This desert is where I conjured writing a novel in the first place. It feels good to be in it. It feels even better to share it with you all, my beloved audience, and GUMPnation!

This season's finale commentary feels more like a channeling from that desert, and there are overwhelming emotions that come with it.

May you take what you need from this post and be at peace with what you don’t.

This past month has been an emotional one, as my partner and I navigate uncertainty with our living situation and our careers.

But perhaps more so, it has been emotional because things have not been going our way. Covid, mandates, forest fires, flat tires and hurricanes seem to be conspiring together against anything we hoped to get out of this 2-month trip.

I had originally come to the US to give a talk but it never worked out due to strict vaccination rules. I got the vaccine but hadn't hit the 14-day mark. I'm sure that’s not the worst thing that happened in Vegas that day, but it really sucked!

I wrote a LinkedIn article about surrender that has been very popular on the platform. I reveled in the likes and comments for a few days and felt heard and validated.

That was until my wife read it. It was not very popular with her.

Sometimes you only meet your edge in the confines of your own breakfast table with your family. She noted something that was profound but had escaped me.

Would this have been equally popular if you had not announced your full fledged support of the vaccine? Do you think people would have been as excited, had you been against it?

She had a point, where were the anti-vax folks? This was just like the silence from Israeli contacts towards my very Pro-Palestinian posts. I know about the echo chamber, we all do by now. That is so 2018.

She was right, but I felt attacked. I wanted to make my point: Vaccines are good, and yes people should take them.

She was not against that, but she had a different point to make: It should be up to us to say what goes into our bodies.

We debated fiercely.

“Vaccines are a scientific miracle” I announced, quoting the latest Pubmed articles I've read.

I felt my heart close up and my pupils constrict.

“I love science too, but why would anyone force any drug upon me?” she replied, quite calmly.

My back arched forward, and my shoulders raised themselves as though protecting my face.

“This isn't about personal freedom. It's a public health crisis.” I said with an air of certainty, you’d think I was Dr. Tedros from the WHO.

“I don’t trust it.” she said

“Well I trust vaccines more than viruses.” I said

“Look, it just doesn’t feel good in my body. Something deep inside me says No. Maybe we should just not discuss this anymore.”

Our arguments piled up on each other and before we knew it, the kitchen table seemed like it had been stretched to become dozens of feet wide.

I quickly realized that America had swallowed us in her political quicksand.

Welcome to your self-righteous, punk-ass mind!

We’re taking a break from Carl Jung this week, and invite you to visit the work of a much more contemporary psychologist: Jonathan Haidt.

In his earlier book, The Happiness Hypothesis, the moral psychologist dives into his research on emotions and how they drive human decisions. He described certain parts of our neurology as pertaining to either emotion “(aka Elephant) or rational thinking brain/logic (aka the Rider).

He found that patients who had a deficit/malfunction in the emotional components of their neurology have an almost complete inability to make decisions.

He concludes, from many fascinating experiments, that despite how much we like to think of ourselves as rational beings, we are massively driven by our emotions.

When we try to convince each other of our logical arguments, we tend to forget that if they disagree with us then their emotional elephants are just at a different place than ours.

Instead of acknowledging that, we fight each other and try to make sure that our tiny riders are right. We do that by trying hard to convince other riders along the way, and boy do we hate it when other riders won’t give in!

That’s why you are righteous. That is why you have a punk-ass rider! Don’t take it personally. We all are.

We have been programmed to give too much power to our riders. We overvalue the thinking-brain and massively undervalue our feeling-brain.

Fascists however know really well how to appeal to our emotions. They inflame these elephants directly, and they count on them to keep people believing in them.

Rational arguments stand no chance against them, and the rational mind becomes a righteous one, that is quite feeble compared to strong emotional experiences.

We are divided, and that is how we are controlled.

Black Vs White. Male Vs Female. Masks Vs No Masks.

The more we hate other people’s elephants, the more depleted we feel. We are given logical arguments that we use as excuses to do the lazy work of hate and bypass the tough work of compassion.

The more in tune you are with how you feel, the better your decision-making becomes.

The ego is deeply attached to being right. One of the centerpieces of all of the dramas in our life is our need to being right.

I am emotionally invested in being for the vaccine, I come from a scientific background and the people that I look up to in the digital health world are all strong proponents of it. We are like a herd of elephants preaching the same benefits.

There are many other elephants in the room though, and it seems to me that we have no compassion or space in our hearts for these elephants to exist. In this case, my gut instinct was going against my wife’s.

I can’t run away from it, and neither can she. The pain of the world lay right there in between us on the kitchen table, and we could not mute or block each other.

Although we kinda tried at first.

At first, things were so tender that we decided not to talk about it.

That is why it has been so hard to get this blog post out to you guys in time. I learned that sometimes things have to settle in real life before I can digest and write about them. As of today's date, I still can’t say that we have overcome this.

What we did was that we started directing our riders, we worked hard on acknowledging that we are emotionally opposed to each other, and we carved a new path with that in mind.

Slowly, we realized that we both just really want the best for each other, and want to protect one another.

Suddenly, there was much more space for both of our perspectives to simultaneously exist. Today, the kitchen table is back to its intimate size and this difference between us seems to actually bring us closer.

Once our riders were given direction, and we had connected with our own (and each other’s) emotional states/ elephants, we are now on the same path again. It was not easy, but we did cross some thresholds. This continues to be a swim against the current, but I do believe that there are lakes and waterfalls on the other side of this work. Not just for us as a couple, but for us as humans.

It’s beautiful to feel like we can go down the same path without necessarily accepting each other’s worldview. We still don’t agree on the same things, but it is no longer in between us poisoning our relationship with each another.

Would you believe me if I told you that emotions pass through you within 90 seconds? Yeah, that’s it!

I have been known to hold a grudge before I learned that expressing my emotions is the most healing thing I can do for myself.

I realized that holding on was fueling my depression for such a long time. The body also feels it when we repress our emotions.

When I learned that emotions only lasts for 90 seconds, I was fascinated!

I don’t have to hold on to that weight anymore. When I sunk into my elephant, I no longer had to burden my rider with that which he can’t control.

Emotions can be released in many ways.

Expression is one, movement is another, and meditation is yet another one. Whatever you choose, just feel these feelings, and heal whatever it is that wants to be healed.

When I think back in time, to early on when the vaccine was first announced, I remember being against it and her actually being way more curious about it. I remember her asking me as we snuggled on a couch:

What do you think of this vaccine?” she asked me an innocuous way.

“Mmmm. I don’t know, it usually takes way longer to test an mRNA vaccine. Sounds rushed to be honest.” I said to her.

Yeah, emotions pass and your decisions will change accordingly.

So what if you stop working so hard on being right today?

Get over it, you punk-ass rider!

Thank you for the hard work that you do rider, but it is ok for you to take a break.

With that, I bid you farewell.

We made it to chapter 11!

In Search of Gumption

Chapter 11. Fulfillment

This was the last time Maskat had seen Babu, his grandfather. “Few things feel better, than to conceive an idea from imagination and into reality, Maskat.” Babu said as he ushered him towards a wooden ladder that took them 3 stories up into the belly of the gigantic wooden whale that he was commissioned by Iran to build…

Read more

5 years ago · 2 likes · Omar Shaker

Thanks for listening to Season 1.

Stay tuned for our last Gumpcast episode with a man so adept at elephant training, it is his actual last name.

Join us with Atta Pilram for Episode 11 and prepare for an emotional and raw season 1 finale of the Gumpcast.

We have a lot of announcements coming up, so stay with us and share In Search of Gumption with someone who can appreciate this work!

Thanks for reading, listening, and being curious.

Much love,

Omar

This episode is about closing the circle and healing the relationship by opening a dialogue. This episode is about finding common ground, it is about the freedom of compassion towards those we’ve othered, and it is about the reward of coming back into the relationship from a healthy place of self-awareness and an intention of peace.

My outrageous and anonymous friend from the last episode shared his story about leaving home and what it meant to confront his father in conflict. Today’s episode is about the son’s return home, and to me represents the light at the end of the tunnel for this critical relationship in our lives.

I have to confess, I am both in awe and a little jealous of my friend, brother, and Co-Host Paul Kist, for his courage to go where very few men have gone before, and invite his father to appear as a guest on our show.

Dr. George Kist, shares his story about leaving Alexandria, Egypt, and making it in Long Island, New York, where Paul was born. Together they cover the hardship of immigration, they take us back to Woodstock and the music of the 60s and 70s, and how they created a friendship by traveling and being in awe of the world together.

In the end, George leaves us with some common sense and some clear value propositions for healing and working on the relationship between father and son.

“The advice is not just for the sons but to the fathers too. It takes both of them to appreciate each other more, and if that is difficult, then that they should seek help or professional advice. That relationship is too valuable to be wasted. It is important for the son’s development, the father’s sanity, and the general peace of the whole family.”

My Confession

I have to admit something to you guys, Paul and I discussed both of us interviewing our dads, and I chickened out. I simply did not feel that I had the gumption to do it, and the thought of it was terrifying. Paul did though, and what came out is an episode that inspires me and every man in the world, to think of the possibilities that lie in our relationships. No matter how difficult and uncomfortable they can be.

What I loved the most about this episode is the twist that happens at the end, where Paul starts makes some profound realizations about himself, his father, and the parallels between them.

Here is another quote from the episode that Paul said to his dad:

“I didn’t know what it would be like to travel with you and I’ve come to realize that here’s a man who has the same adventurous spirit that I do, and suddenly I saw where I got it from.”

Enjoy and let us know what you think!

This concludes our commentary on Chapter 10 | Operation Exodus. Check out the chapter here:

In Search of Gumption

Chapter 10. Operation Exodus

A few months later, a hot sticky November day in Mombasa witnessed Jay triumphantly driving his car out of the Akasha Transport Company. He remembers it as the moment that changed him forever. There were two things that Jay did not know yet. The first was that his employer - and the owner of the transport company- Ibrahim Akasha, was about to become Keny…

Read more

5 years ago · Omar Shaker

We are coming close to the end of this first Season of the Gumpast, Ladies, and Gentlemen!

Get ready for a memorable Season Finale up next, where we will leave you with a couple of commentary posts and one final episode about Chapter 11 | Fulfillment. We will tackle the sources of our biases, what it means to be fulfilled in life and we’ll have a new and very special guest for Episode 11.

Just getting started with us and want to start reading the novel from the start?

Start at Chapter 1:

In Search of Gumption

Chapter 1. Prologue

“ I stared into its determined eyes, and it stared right back at me. There it stood, resiliently in my path, with horns glistening and nose fuming. Its ears twisted slowly, as though they were sonars trying to locate where I stood, and how to best annihilate me. I had never seen a bull before, but here I was in a western standoff with the 2000-pound bea…

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5 years ago · 2 likes · 7 comments · Omar Shaker

While our own personal unknowns may not involve an immigration per say, we as a species are on the brink of a much greater uncertainty. A global pandemic continues to rage, populations are quite divided (and no one knows how close we are to an irreversible boiling point) and the ecological health of the planet is in its most critical state. I read Babu’s words, and I take them for myself, as every day I find myself waking up to a world facing these challenges. How will I move through the struggles of my own life, as well as those of our humanity?

The allegory of the elephant and the rider has become a powerful metaphor in understanding our own behavior. While Maskat had a bit of trouble wrapping his head around what Babu was speaking of, luckily we have the gift of YouTube who can tell us a bit more about the wisdom found in this particular model:

In our quest for concrete understanding of the world around us, we’ve prioritized the rational, saving us from the control of superstitious dogma but also depriving us from connection to our bodies and hearts. You, me, and all of us have been trained to rationalize everything. If it can’t be motivated or explained by reason, it is ignored, or even devalued. Even our emotions become victim to this imbalance, as we are expected to understand and explain our feelings (and therefore be able to do something about them.)

We live life under the delusion that our thinking and rational mind is the driving force of our own behaviors and those around us. Even though we’re presented in every moment, with evidence to the contrary. We can’t figure out what to order at a restaurant, when we’re very much craving that roast chicken. We sometimes feel sad when all aspects of our lives are seemingly joyful. We avoid people we value and desire connection with. We can’t fathom why our partners have taken an action contrary to what was expected. And when life manifests itself in opposition to reason, our only conclusion is that something is broken.

No friend, nothing is broken. We’ve missed the whole damn point! When we believe the rider is in charge, we’re setting ourselves up for a series of rude awakenings, a deeper confusion about our existence, and we become completely blocked from ourselves.

My elephant, the haiku

my pachyderm moves
it only knows what is true
feed it a peanut

In 2013, I was working 80 hours a week trying to build a startup. The man who once spent his time in a mixture of work, creating music, volunteering overseas, breaking bread with friends, found himself in a whole new, very monolithic existence. I wanted balance, but I had no motivation. I told myself that working less would only be more sustainable, I knew how much joy I get from playing music, I told myself that being with friends and family was fuel I needed. Yet nothing changed. Brown hairs turned grey, and I was a machine within a machine.

A mentor of mine knew my predicament. I sat with him, often times utterly defeated. Ashamed of my lack of agency and balance. The things I loved seemed to be so far beyond reach, they were glowing specks across a great distance. And that’s when he taught me how to train my elephant. He told me:

Your body has to remember what it feels like to create. Take some time, and remember the last time you were making music. What did it feel like?

I sat there, eyes closed and breathing deep. And I had images in my head of past concerts, or nights in the studio. I saw the smiles on my face and the bags under my eyes after sleepless nights of creative breakthroughs. But I felt nothing. My elephant was numb, and had forgotten how to feel what used to bring it joy.

This is why your behavior isn’t changing. You have no feeling towards the thing you want to be doing. If you can download the feeling, your behavior will change.

Well how do I do that? Is there a download button I can click somewhere?

Give your body a taste of what it felt like to feel the joy of creating. Do you have it in you to play a song on the guitar every night?

Honestly, I don’t.

How about just jam on the keyboard, no songs, no structure, just make music. Do you have it in you to do that?

I really don’t

What is one creative thing you can do that you have the energy to commit to on a daily basis?

I can draw a smiley face. (sarcastically)

Great! This is your creative endeavor. One smiley face a day. And when you draw that smiley face, really feel into it. See if you can tap into the joy of what it feels like to create something.

And for a week I drew smiley faces in my work journal. After three days of this, I felt a little buzz every time I would take that 30-second break to make something 2-dimensional but new. I found myself motivated to urge others to draw smiley faces too, on social media.

Back with my mentor a few weeks later, he asks me:

Do you maybe have the energy to do something more than just a smiley face?

It was a no brainer: yes! I figured a sustainable practice after that could be a haiku per day. And for weeks, I wrote haikus, and I felt that creative fire burn a little brighter with each passing day. Randomly on a Saturday night weeks later, I found myself with a burning desire to play on the guitar. The guitar playing became an almost daily practice. I found the motivation to spend a few less hours into the night working, and I started not just playing music, but dreaming of things I could do with it. Fast forward a year later, I was in a band, and I was creating The Noon Project, which went on to a series of successful shows on both coasts of the US, whose funds were all donated to improve the lives of refugees in Iraq and Syria, through the Preemptive Love Coaltion.

Babu was tapped into a secret, and Maskat is a fortunate soul to be receiving this gift, that I only began to understand in my early 30s. That if we can unlock the feeling within us, our emotions will drive the change we need.

As I reflect on training my own elephant, I can see now that by giving my heart a little glimpse of something, it can not only awaken, but it will want more of that thing. Doodling in my notebook became haikus, which became guitar playing, which became dreaming and materializing a band, and an international project. And it all started with a smiley face.

Parting thoughts

This last chapter gives us as readers some very powerful tools to have great impact in our own lives. While Maskat continues to wrap his head around this elephant / rider allegory, may we dive deeper into knowing our own elephants. Only in cooperation with this very powerful force within us, will we be able to regain agency and inspiration in our lives, to move in more authentic ways.

And to you my fellow readers, I leave you with this. Order that thing on the menu you know you want. Let yourself feel grief, even if there’s nothing apparently worth being sad about. Spend more time feeling into the things you want to do. And be compassionate to your fellow riders, who have elephants of their own. Don’t be surprised when their elephants move contrary to the way you expect. Remember, you’ve been there yourself. So maybe you can offer compassion to them, as well as yourself. And don’t forget to draw smiley faces, and when you do, enjoy every moment of it.

In other words, feel into your life.

For a deeper look into Babu’s advice to Maskat, check out The Elephant in the Brain: Hidden Motives in Everyday Life by Kevin Simler and Robin Hansen.

Maskat does not want to let go of the autonomy he has just created for himself in Lamu. Moving across the world means that he will be forced to be under his father’s umbrella again, fight new bullies, and find some other way to make money beyond his current weed selling gig in Lamu with Jay.

(PS. They are moving to Reagan’s America so yeah, good luck with the weed habit Maskat).

This post is perfectly timed for two reasons:

1- I am writing you this having just landed in America for my first trip here since the pandemic started.

2- America has changed a lot in those past 18 months.

This chapter ends with a scene that eerily seems to reflect the state of America right now: Torn between two perspectives that are uncompromising and intolerant of one another. I feel the pain of this in my conversations, see it in people’s eyes, and find myself getting worked up about it myself when I am here.

Here is an excerpt from the end of chapter 10, where the family is on the ferry carrying them, their luggage, and their dreams away from Lamu and towards the hopeful horizons of living in America.

Zemunke frowned deeply and looked out into the open ocean trying to find a horizon to meet his gaze and give him hope in a future where people stuck by the rules and shared the common virtue of discipline. 

Maskat stared the other way and imagined a future where rules may never exist, and a greater layer of freedom was born and boundless.

They both got locked in their own fantasies for a moment, and that the shores of the United States would bring each of them what they hoped for more of. Each of them believes that the other will, in time, come to terms with being wrong.

The relationship between Zemunke and Maskat and their failure to meet eye to eye is exactly how it feels to be in America right now. A deep sense of othering, where two counterparts want to go in opposite ways, which would be ok if it weren’t for the mere fact that they are both on the same ship

This gumption project started off as a compassionate inquiry into what makes a man become who he is. The novel’s themes which Paul and I discuss on the Gumpcast are tools to help us understand ourselves more so that we can talk to others. We have no choice but to understand ourselves right now.

America, good morning you gorgeous beast. I love you…so maybe just chill, and check out Chapter 10 below.

We can’t wait to share episode 10 of the Gumpcast with you guys. It is going to be a very special family endeavor that beautifully captures the essence of this chapter.

In Search of Gumption

Chapter 10. Operation Exodus

A few months later, a hot sticky November day in Mombasa witnessed Jay triumphantly driving his car out of the Akasha Transport Company. He remembers it as the moment that changed him forever. There were two things that Jay did not know yet. The first was that his employer - and the owner of the transport company- Ibrahim Akasha, was about to become Keny…

Read more

5 years ago · Omar Shaker

Enjoy!

PS: If you want to start reading the book or dropped off at an earlier chapter you can go to the index here to catch up!

See you next week.

I wanted to share some reflections on this episode. It’s a dynamic one, as it goes into some of the biological roots of conflict between individuals, and the driving force behind corrupt patriarchal systems that are eating at the fabric of our humanity. Testosterone one powerhouse of a hormone. It creates drive, and when harnessed for good, can lead to the accomplishment of wonderful things, not the least of which is the creation of life itself. Left out of balance and without purpose, and we find ourselves being driven to exert power for its own sake; a battle of dicks if you will.

As a man living in 2021, I sometimes find myself in a cognitive dissonance. Without a doubt, the patriarchy has betrayed us. The motivations of greed, dominance, and unchecked power has left us all in a very unsustainable place. I’m also rooted in the fact that testosterone and masculinity is a product of our evolution as living beings, across countless species of animals. Masculine energy is just one half of the great energies that make the world run. The balance of feminine and masculine is manifesting our universe, in all its beauty and glory.

I also see how my own unchecked aggression has put me in situations that should have best been avoided. And I also see how this internal drive has also lead me to compete, create, and accomplish many good and meaningful things. As humans, I believe we have a responsibility to harness this drive and power for the “benefit of all parties”. How might we move away from self-serving power dynamics, mass consumption and greed?

In 1954, Aldous Huxley wrote his classic “The Doors of Perception”, introducing a generation to the idea that some substances can expand the mind, changing our perspective on aspects of life many of us have taken for granted. But what’s more important than these psychedelic substances themselves, its the fact that these perspectives do exist, and they’re there for the viewing! But do we have the eyes to see them? Are we willing to let go of our current paradigms in order to have a new perspective? Changing our view will be necessary in order to gain better insight into how we can repurpose our drives; especially in light of our current problems as a global community and as individuals.

So how do we harness our internal drive in a virtuous way? How might we learn to shift our own perspectives of ourselves and the world around us? Which conflicts are worth getting into and which ones are worth avoiding? Listen in to Episode 9 of the Gumpcast and join us as we delve into these topics in great detail. This is one you won’t wanna miss!

Before I get into this most important commentary, I want to point out that there are separate pages on this website where you can jump into the book, podcast or blog posts using the menu on the top. Here is a screenshot incase you haven’t noticed it:

The Story of Parsifal

Alright so, on the last Episode, Jean Marie spoke about the Greek myth of Tentalus who kept reaching for fruit and water but could not ultimately get to them. I resonated a lot with that story, and have been reflecting on what I am pursuing in life, whether I really believe these things are worth pursuing, and what success really means for me.

Today, I present you with a different myth, it is Arthurian in origin, and it is the myth of Parsifal.

The story goes as follows: There is a King who is wounded, and the people are suffering because of his inability to provide for the kingdom. Myth has it, that one knight will one day show up to the courtyard and ask him “the right question” that will heal is wound, and restore prosperity to the kingdom. It is the question that leads the way to the Holy Grail.

In a small town nearby, Parsifal is born. His father dies when he is only a few years old, and his mother takes the little boy into the forrest where she raises him far away from masculinity and the ways of men. On the day that he turns 15, a group of the king’s Knights pass through the forrest. Parsifal is immediately drawn to their ways, and he quickly decides to leave his mother to become a knight.

His mom is heartbroken.

Parsifal eventually becomes the King’s healer, but only after several failed attempts to ask the right question. Like Tentalus, Parsifal keeps coming to the King’s court, but failing to receive the success that he seeks.

Parsifal is only successful after he does three important things:

1- Overcome the Father Complex:

These are groups of ideas that develop in relation to the father or the father-like figure in a boy’s life. They can be either positive or negative.

Parsifal had to learn the ways of battle and kill several other knights as a rite of passage. (This is a but aggressive I know, but this is not a story about killing your dad folks, what this myth is saying is that we have to stand our ground and overcome the father’s shadow in order for us to find our path.)

2- Overcome the Mother Complex:

“At the core of any mother complex is a collective image of nourishment and security on the one hand, and devouring possessiveness on the other.” Daryl Sharp

Parsifal had to go through the agony of seeing his devastated mother who tried her whole life to save him from the pains of man. Parsifal has to let go of that motherly ‘armor’ in order to show up in life as his own self. That includes leaving his mother to cry behind, as he ventures out into the forrest.

3- Embrace his Inner Feminine: After Parsifal becomes an able knight and is free from his mother’s safe world/embrace, he then finds himself filling that void up with other female figures and his blockage becomes the distraction of sex and lust. The problem here is that Parsifal is now using his voracious appetite for sex to replace the validation that he used to receive from his mother. Only when Parsifal is able to truly embrace the feminine archetype within him, is he able to show up fro the King’s court and finally ask the “right question” to the “Holy Grail”.

So what is the point of all of this, Omar?

Well…there comes a certain point in our lives where we have to be our own selves. The pressure our parents apply to confine and pin us down to their dreams makes their suggested path the one with least resistance. However, I believe that finding our own way is the only thing that will make us find our own private versions of the holy grail. It is what Carl Jung calls the process of Individuation.

The point of this, is that if we do this early enough and with enough gumption and zest to be ourselves, then we will collectively improve our mental health. You do not want to have lived a long life for someone else, and realize that late in the game. If you feel like you are sacrificing your life for your parents (or for your parent-like figures at work), then perhaps you should reconsider what alignment looks like for you.

I cherish my family, and the moments I have with my parents, as well as everything they have provided me with. I understand that even in writing this post about defying parents, I am indebted to them. It is not about defying them though, I later realized, it is about finding what lights me up.

My Holy Grail

About ten years ago, I was on my way to become them. I was being groomed by my father to carry his name into practicing medicine, and I was shielded and protected by mother from all that was scary and dangerous in the world. Today, my life looks very different from theirs. Although it continues to be tough to discuss our different points of view, I am grounded in the idea that leaving the house, leaving medicine, and going on with my pack of knights into the forrest was the only path where I could live with integrity.

Overcoming my father complex meant making my own money and not depending on him (or having to report back to him). Figuring out money, immediately improved my relationship with him. Having chosen to find my own path, allowed me to have an equal seat at the discussion. Although he still feels responsible for me, I can now see it as his own wound. The discussion of money, career and what I should be doing with my thirties continues to be a sensitive and triggering conversation for both of us, but we are making progress. I do not take it personally anymore when he gives me advice that does not suit me. I think of him giving that advice to his inner child, and I salute them both silently.

Overcoming my mother complex was really tricky, man. The mother complex is much more subtle as I mentioned, and it is not confrontational or bullish like the father, it is warm, caring and loving. I remember a few months after I first moved out (only a few blocks away from my parents place) how my mom sat my once and cried for how little she knows about me and how much further apart we feel. Seeing that tore me apart because I’ve always been close to her, but also deep down inside, I felt a lot of resentment. I wanted to go join the knights in the woods Ma’, the king needs me to heal his wound Ma’ and the whole empire is on the brink of collapsing if I don’t Ma’! Ma’ did not understand immediately. Over time, I realized that she is also entitled to her opinion, and that it does not have to affect me.

This took years of watching and nerding out on my own thoughts until I can really embrace my mother’s anxieties as her own and learn that I do not have to react to therm. Overtime, my resentment towards her love, became better and much more manageable.

Finding my inner feminine, was (is) not as fun as it sounds. This will be the main theme of Part II of the book, so we’ll get into it and into Jung’s Anima archetype in depth with Season 2 of The Gumpcast. What I’ll say for now is that fascination with sex and pursuing sexual partners is a common part of our developing psyche, and it had certainly dominated my mind for a long time.

We grow up in a world that gives us every clue that ties our masculinity to how much sex we are having, and adolescent boys rarely have the resources to educate themselves about that. I remember being to ashamed to talk about sex, and therefore chose to educate myself (mainly through whatever pornography I could find and the opinions of other clueless kids).

That led me to chase my tail, in sexual encounters that were neither satisfying nor relieving, and I went in spirals for years living with that growing shame about my attitudes towards sex and towards my experiences. That was one of my biggest blockers towards my holy grail, and it kept the Parsifal in me asking the wrong question over and over again.

What is the right question you ask? Well that is not the point but you can read more about Parsifal and King Fischer for the full epoch which I will be going back to. For the movie buffs, there is also an excellent modern depiction of this done in 1991 by Jeff Bridges and Robin Williams (yup you read those two names right!).

I hope enjoy this chapter 9, as Maskat starts becoming the man of the house, and starts to find the knights and warriors of the forrest that will give him the first taste of freedom. Once he has his first sip, he will not be able to go back. This chapter is a key transition into the world of the unknown, the first step in the hero’s journey, and the first move towards every person’s journey towards what gives us meaning and what we cherish.

Chapter 9 : The Highway

Jean Marie is a constant human explorer, he has a PhD in Social Anthropology, and until recently has worked with the United Nations as a humanitarian officer on emergency missions in Africa, Asia and the Middle East, bringing relief to hurting populations.

After a particularly exhausting and emotionally draining mission in the Middle East, Jean Marie sought a method to help himself overcome it. His own search of gumption back in France, brought him to Etio-analysis, technique that helps you learn the root causes of physical pain or emotional distress. It is based on the core principles of awareness and consciousness.

“As you gain consciousness of the root cause of your problem, you may be better able to free yourself from its adverse consequences.”

He practiced with one of it’s leading practitioners in Paris, and then studied to become a licensed practitioner himself. I couldn’t help but ask him for a session to check it out.

We tend to think of our traumas and shame as our own. Shame researcher Brene Brown who I mentioned last week, finds that a lot of the shame we carry is rooted in core beliefs. When we spiral down the caves of depression, fly into the wheel of addiction, or get locked in the same pathological reactions to our partners, we are triggering old wounds.

And yes, traumas come in various shapes and sizes. So how can we compare someone who’s father was busy at work with someone who got orphaned or raped at a young age? The answer is we don’t.

We call people with deep, large and unresolved traumas, mentally ill aka batshit crazy. But the crazy thing is that we all have these wounds within us in varying degrees. The good news is that these wounds are not necessarily scars. However, identifying them and being aware of them is a challenge.

This is the dragon in every hero’s journey. Spoiler alert: That Dragon is You.

As we learned in Episode 7 with Ryan Ginn, adopting a mindset of having multiple parts that live withins us, we can start to befriend some of the ones we don’t particularly like about ourselves. We can finally start seeing the protective role they played in our lives, and bring them back from our shadow into our field of vision. Only then can we start talking about shame.

In Episode 8, Jean Marie helps us dig further back into our lineages, with the idea that shame can be passed on through previous generations. This always seemed like a crazy thought, but with the incredible advancements of Epigenetics, we finally have a scientific model to understand how traumas created by past environments can be integrated and passed on through gene expression.

You learn more at www.etioanalysis.com or contact Jean Marie Stratigos PhD at jmstratigos@etioanalysis.com.

I have been feeling that I'm not doing enough honestly. And that brings me to the really difficult topic that we are moving onto : Shame.

That is theme of chapter 8 as Maskat's dad is confronted by his actions and learns about his sons great story of revenge.

I have a lot of self-shame about this Gumption project honestly. Here are some things I have told myself over the past few months since I asked you all to subscribe to this little odyssey of mine:

• You are not writing fast enough, a real writer would have been done with the book by now.

• Paul is putting in a lot of work on making the Gumpcast sound awesome and you are not promoting it widely enough.

• Why are you still not instagram and tiktok where your audience is?

• Your commentary posts have poor grammar sometimes and they are not coherent.

• You are a little too much on the Gumpcast sometimes. No one wants to hear your weird thoughts.

• Why do you think your experience matters? Why do you think that you can write a book that people want to read? And make a podcast too! Your ego is out of control, man.

Yeah, that is pretty much what goes on in my mind on a weekly basis as I bring you this broadcast, write the commentaries, and as I continue to write this damn novel!

Those my friends, are what are called Shame Gremlins.

One of the seminal lectures that helped me identify and maneuver the presence of shame in my life is The Power of Vulnerability by Brené Brown. If you haven't checked them out...I highly recommend that you do.

She mentions that the 3 things about shame are the following:

1- We all have it

2- We all hate talking about it

3- Once we do talk about it, it is gone.

So let's say I go upto Paul in the example above and tell him:

Hey man, I feel a lot of shame around not promoting these podcasts well enough to match your musical genius so far.

As you can imagine he's probably not going to tell me:

You are a good for nothing partner how dare you fuck this up for us?

No, he's probably going to remind me that I am doing so much and perhaps start talking to me about what we can do to start promoting it or console me in some way.

That's not weakness, on the contrary, it is pure empowerment. I know that it's not how we were brought up. But in many ways - lets face it - for most of us, how we were brought up was kinda fucked up!

And we've internalised our parents shame so much. Now it is time to recalibrate and start talking to ourselves not the way our parents did but the way our best friends and allies do.

May we all find our internal Pauls, and leverage them when we experience shame in our lives. Shame is simply toxic and does not help you or anyone!

Remember, shame means there is something wrong with me. Guilt means I did something wrong. The former has no utility whatsoever, and is also intertwined with things like burnout, depression and addiction. We'll be covering all three topics in the next season of Gumption.

For now, I will leave you with this video from Brene Brown's work; and hope you can join me next week for Episode 8 of the Gumpcast where we will explore the collective conscious, the relationship between Trauma, Epigenetics and Dissociation with a very special guest who practices Etioanalysis.

More on that next week and how it can help rid us of our shame.

Read Chapter 8

May you all let go of that which does not serve you this week!

See you next Sunday ❤

If you are just joining us, I cover a different chapter of the novel every Sunday, and it usually takes two Sundays because one post is a commentary such as this, and the other is a podcast episode with a new guest.

For those of you counting, we skipped the podcast episode this week and going straight into the commentary of Chapter 7, and that is because of many curveballs, but most importantly, both Chapter 6 and Chapter 7 belong together. They are the first two chapters that are based on my own experiences, and therefore both the commentary and the audio episodes will go hand in hand.

Last week I shared with you the story of a kid, that I based the bully in chapter 6 on. That kid came up to me during our break and kicked me straight in the balls. That is where we leave Maskat off in Chapter 6, broken by this bully -Omari-, and left to wallow alone in the playground.

Chapter 7 is a continuation of my real story, and it is one of revenge. After the pain and shame of having my genitals mutilated by that kick, I found myself getting back at the guy with the perfect act of vengeance. One I could not have ever imagined claiming, even in my wildest dreams.

We all know there is nothing better than a revenge story, right?

Two weeks after the incident, I had been avoiding this kid called Banhawy in any way possible. I shivered and broke a sweat seeing him pass by at school. I was so afraid of confronting him, and still ashamed of what happened.

It was the last class of the day, and it happened to be Physical Education (PE). We were playing football (soccer y’all), and he was the opposing team’s goalkeeper. I found myself with the ball and nothing between me and him.

Things really slowed down.

I remember that my intention was to score a goal. Instead, I slammed the ball as hard as I can straight into that bully’s balls.

The most interesting thing about that story is this: I was never a particularly good football player, and especially not a sharpshooter. I probably scored one out of every ten shots I took or less. Yet here I was, firing a long-range shot that traveled a few good meters and went exactly on the mark: his groin.

It felt surreal, as though something (with far better soccer skills) had possessed me or that perhaps a part of me had awakened.

How is this possible? Even as I write this now, I question my memory. I have not met Banhawy since Grade 8 or so, but I guess he would be the only one that can verify how things went down.

Just as it is in Chapter 7,after all the other kids gathered around him, he emerged from the crowd and started chasing me with a limp across the field. He noticed a friend of his by the water fountain, and Banhawy started screaming at him to stop me.

Unlike the novel, however, I did not smash the other bully in the face and break his ribs. I ran away and I was very happy with that ending. But I wrote this chapter with an exaggerated sense of violence because it is a very important moment in Maskat’s development. It is the moment where he realizes his capacity for destruction, as opposed to the naive and sweet perception that we have of him so far

Enter the Shadow

I promised you all in the beginning a hefty dose of Carl Jung. Today we will cover the shadow, one of the archetypes Carl Jung uses to describe everything in us that we disown i.e. everything that exists within us that we do not want anyone to know about us.

Behind the Egos/personas we present to the universe, lies a deeper darker side. And, yes, even you have one. We seldomly think of this darker side as ourselves, and we try our best to disown them. What happens to most of us, is that this shadow rises from our subconscious in times where we do not expect it to.

That’s the anger fit you got into with your spouse, the manipulation you did of your coworkers to get your way, and the snarky joke that you made at someone to get a laugh from your friends.

Let me tell you first that the shadow is not necessarily “bad”. It sounds dark yes, but if you really look at its behaviour: It generally wants what is good for you. It might just want your voice to be heard, or to feel close to others, or to gain more wealth and freedom. Whatever it does, there is a good intention there for you.

However, the problem is that the shadow comes out when we least want it to. It can act out of integrity, if it takes over completely.

Think of it like a little kid that is screaming at you, but you keep ignoring it. It will eventually try to do something dramatic to grab your attention, like break your TV or write on the wall.

What happened to me during that moment of revenge, was that my shadow decided to take the reigns, and stand up for me. It’s pretty sweet honestly.

The problem here was not that I hurt him, as much as that I was not even aware of my ability to hurt him. In my mind, the darkness was all him. He was the bully, and he was evil. That’s honestly where we are fucked up as human beings.

The shadow is the reason why wars (or right wing politics) are able to become such great publicity stunts. The only reason why someone like Trump can become President is because most people beleive that they have no dark side, and therefore when someone points a finger at their neighbor, they fall for it. It is much easier to look for it outside of us, than within us.

World leaders give people someone else to project it on, and so we look at people on the other side of the swamp and call them rapists, killers, commies or the latest crowd favorite: terrorist.

At the end of the day, these global issues may seem bigger than us. They may cripple us because the darkness is too vast. The only thing we can actually do, is occasionally try to face the darkness within us.

As you progress with the story and see how Maskat develops his awareness of his own shadow, start thinking of the things you want no one to know about you. What is it that you have exiled/abandoned about yourself?

Here are some questions that you may want to ask yourself if you want to explore this:

• What I do not want anyone to know about me is _________.

• The emotions I consider to be negative are___________.

• What I’m most scared ot hesistant to openly express in a relationship is ______.

I leave you with the most quintessential shadow archetype scene we know of in modern cinema.

See you next week with Ep06 of the Gumpcast!

As I grew older and stronger, I started fighting that beast back. It only got bloodier. My attention to the beast of rejection made it even bolder, and the war I waged against it, only made it louder and exponentially more viscous. 

Can this beast ever become an ally? If rejection were a stray dog, it doesn’t seem to want to go away from my front porch.

This week’s chapter is Chapter 6 | School Balls.

It is based on a true story, of a kid called Mahmoud Banhawy who literally kicked me straight in the balls at school.

I’ll never forget him, firstly because I have an awesome revenge story that I will share in the next commentary, but more importantly, because he gave me a very real understanding of what adult life can be like. It just fucking kicks you straight in the nuts sometimes, without even saying hello.

Another big rejection in the next chapter is the one that Maskat feels when he finds his love letters to Leila torn and thrown away. That one is softer on the physical balls, but man does a rejection of love linger and sting. This is also based on a younger me, who was madly in love with a girl in grade 3. I had hardly ever spoken to her. She was Fajr Bouarki, a name I will also never forget. I have not seen or heard of Fajr beyond 1995. I used to write her these little Christmas cards with long letters confessing my love to the little unsuspecting Fajr B. I sent her those Christmas cards all year long.

I must have sent her at least 20 cards or so. She never wrote me back! Not once! And for that, I also thank you Fajr B, for that deeply traumatic rejection is largely the reason I sit and write to all of you today. If you are reading this right now, thank you for helping me heal Fajr B.’s wound. I promise you to keep getting better at writing so that the complete version of this work may reach the hands of enough people in the world, to connect me to Fajr Bouarki.

Perhaps then, I could invite her to a Gumpcast episode, and I would have finally completed my hero’s journey.

Till then, I continue to write! And the more I write, the more I am likely to be rejected. So I brace myself for a continued journey alongside the unpredictable and vicious monster.

Hello Rejection, my old friend. I have certainly come to be here with you again. 

In this commentary, I share with you a piece that came out of me in a more recent rejection. Over the past 18 months, I have experienced countless rejections, including some very tough ones that completely turned off the lights for me. 

The context here was a rejection for a really sexy job at Amazon that I had not even anticipated shooting for. A friend of mine recommended me, and after weeks of preparation and 6 interviews, I was the front runner for a senior role that would lead Amazon’s Covid testing lab role out.

I never got it. The other guy did. I was torn for a few days, if not weeks about it. Now that really wasn’t easy to digest back then, but I can now easily say: Thank you Amazon. Your rejection has allowed me the time and flexibility I need to fulfill my childhood dream of writing a Novel that one day, Fajr Bouarki would read.

More importantly though…Thank you Amazon for inspiring this journal entry that I wrote after a long meditation that I sat through, in an attempt to deal with the pain of getting that “Thank you, you’re great but unfortunately…” email.

The question now is not whether rejection will happen or not, but it is a question of whether that beast can be befriended and treated as an ally? 

Rejection is Redirection

That’s the wisdom. It is very easy to see in hindsight, but incredibly elusive when we are in the throws of these rejection shame gremlins.

They whisper to us: “You are not enough.” 

The following is an actual journal entry I made on May 15th , 2020. I wrote it right after a thirty-minute meditation where I sat with that feeling of rejection for a job that was never mine to begin with.

“I just got the word about Amazon and I am finding it very difficult to deal with another rejection. There is a core pain I noticed during the meditation. That pain comes from telling myself that this is all about me screwing up. I feel like I got in my own way. This is only one of many opportunities that seemed so easy to get but I threw them away. I could have been more clear with my availability but I put a lot of uncertainty into the situation by asking all these questions and speaking openly about my ambitions to build my own company. I feel like I should have kept shut, I should have negotiated after. That would be the smart thing to do and therefore I am now telling myself that I am stupid. 

I lay on the mat facing the narrow stream of light bursting through the tiny rectangular window on the wall. The room was cold and dark except for that rectangle of light that seemed to bless my face and hands with a localized intense sense of warmth. My back and toes still felt the still cold and darkness that filled the rest of the room. I tried to get as much of my body in that small, rectangular blessing from the sun.  

I got into a comfortable position and closed my eyes but I could still see the space around me. I took a few deep breaths and tried to focus on the parts of my body that were enjoying the warm rays of sunshine. My soul stilled for a few moments before I heard a large rumbling sound and I felt certain that something or someone just sprinted across the room. I told myself it was my own brain playing its oldest trick on me but then I heard another…and another and it suddenly felt like I was in the middle of a fucking stampede. 

A whole herd of gremlins, trolls, monkeys, and tiny fuzzy purple monsters filled the room and started stepping on my toes and bumping into my back as I tried to stay still. I took a few more deep breaths trying anxiously to remain calm. That’s when I looked to my left towards the darkest corner of the room, and my eyes locked with two large bloody red eyes staring right back. It had two large shadows of what seemed to be gigantic bat ears. 

It took a step forward and I could see the gremlin’s bright white smile of crocodile-like short teeth. It leaped forwards in a flicker, and I could see its whole reptilian chiseled body extend in the air and clench straight into the skin of my back.

I frantically opened my eyes. I was lying on the floor with my hands around my throat, my eyes shut so tightly trying to squeeze the pain away. It took me a few seconds to realize that I was screaming. 

My body felt in pain but I was relieved to be back in the room. I felt grateful for everything I had at that moment. 

I was ok. I was safe. I was breathing. I was well. I lived with someone who loved me and had enough to keep a roof over my head, food to keep me replenished, and space to keep me creating. This role was not what I wanted in the first place. There is also this story I am writing which will be an inspiration to many, and one day this journal entry of pain will be soothing to someone out there. Whatever is gone shall be replaced by something else. Something that now has space to become!

I took a few more breaths in and felt like I was starting to be in control again. I started getting excited about writing. My soul lifted with excitement, and I could experience that stark contrast between what is dark and what is light.

I heard the doorknob open behind me, followed by a long squeak. I knew it was him, he loved these fucking theatrics. He took two steps into the room and I kept my back facing him, but I could already see his clean polished black professional shoes, his ironed suit, and a big confident smile on his face. 

Well we really screwed up there, didn’t we.

• Yea but it wasn’t meant to be.

You could’ve made it happen. You’ve failed

• I am going to learn something from this

What is wrong with you? Why don’t you ever fucking learn? Why do you always get in your own way.

• This opportunity was never going to co

And it came and you ruined it you idiot!This was the chance of a lifetime, you blew it! Own up and tell me what you have learned?

• I am going to focus more and be better for the next one

You will fucking remain this way forever. You don’t have it in you

• You’re not worth my time, dude. 

I turned on the light. There was no one in the room anymore.”

“But I have no time for such things; and the reason, my friend, is this. I am still unable, as the Delphic inscription orders, to know myself; and it really seems to be ridiculous to look into other things before I have understood that.”
― Plato

Alright folks we’re getting very close to the midpoint and the climax of the first part of the story. The next few chapters (5,6 and 7) are mostly based on my own experiences with a sprinkle of drama for good measure. So we’re about to get personal.

Maskat just had a major experience with the dad beating in chapter 4, and chapter 5 is an important transition out of that and into the strange world of his school, Stone Wall Academy, in Chapter 6.

This chapter is all about the expectations parents have of their boys and girls in Lamu (and in traditional Muslim households all over the world). In this chapter, I wanted to involve actual verses of the Qur’an to amplify that effect. Let me know how all that lands for you.

Read Chapter 5 | Morning Glory

In case you are just joining us, or haven’t had a chance to read at all yet. I have created an Index Page here with all the chapters and audio episodes that were published so far.

So….Religion! That thing that defined so much of our history and continues to shape the world whether we believe in it or not.

I grew up Muslim and spent most of my twenties rebelling against it. When I was 17, it occurred to me that I can stop praying and fasting. It was liberating to do things differently, and being free of these shackles was an exciting endeavor.

I carpooled to university with a friend who I got along with really well until we started taking positions that were on opposing sides of the spectrum. He started finding solace in religion, and I found my inner peace in challenging it. At that point in my life, religion was the reason why the world was so messed up, and defying it made me feel like I was unique.

I armed myself with as much knowledge, facts, and philosophy as I can to beat my equally intellectual carpooling opponent. We debated religion for a whole year on the way to and back from college. By the end of the year, our arguments had become stale, and so had our friendship.

He would always corner me with the same sentence which annoyed me so much. He would say “If I am right, then I’ll go to heaven and you will burn in hell. But if you are right, then nothing will happen after we die. So I have nothing to lose.” His logic was the reason I despised religion: It used fear to keep us in line. “I won’t believe in a God that won’t allow me to use the brains he gave me.” I would say.

Neither of us would be satisfied, and in the end, we agreed to disagree (and stop hanging out with each other). My relationship with my parents suffered as well because in the same way, that I labeled religion as sorta evil, I labeled my parents as “people who did not understand me”. I didn’t realize yet, that like me, they are just people trying to figure out this life thing.

In my early-mid twenties, most of my friends were atheists/agnostics. At first, I was enamored by those who were “militant atheists” and how refreshing their arguments were. As long as I was going against my upbringing, and challenging my status quo, I was on an exciting path.

I was very interested in studying the philosophy of death, because of how intertwined that was with me proving that religion is a mere fairytale. In my exploration of death, a friend of mine gifted me Phaedrus, which is one of my favorite books from the ancient Greek philosophers. It is written by Plato and details the last few hours of the life of Socrates before he was sentenced to death by the religious state and ordered to drink the infamous hemlock.

Although these philosophers were up against religion, Phaedrus showed me a new side to Socrates/Plato which really allowed me for the first time to take a break from trying to prove myself right to the world.

One passage reads:

“If anyone comes to the gates of poetry and expects to become an adequate poet by acquiring expert knowledge of the subject without the Muses' madness, he will fail, and his self-controlled verses will be eclipsed by the poetry of men who have been driven out of their minds.”
― Plato, Phaedrus

What is this madness they speak of? And where can I find it? Plato gives us a bit of a clue.

“Madness, provided it comes as the gift of heaven, is the channel by which we receive the greatest blessings . . . So, according to the evidence provided by our ancestors, madness is a nobler thing than sober sense . . . madness comes from God, whereas sober sense is merely human.”
― Plato, Phaedrus

The monologue goes on to talk about much more bizarre topics, but the one that stuck with me the most was Socrates’ surprisingly strong belief in reincarnation. He described how, although he was about to die, he would continue living forever. Of course, Socrates believed that only philosophers would survive death into a better state. Others who did not use reason would be cats or dogs.

Now that is a little biased, Socrates. But what struck me was his argument for why reincarnation exists.

He says we would not know darkness if there was no light. Truth if there were no lies, and fairness if there was no injustice. And so, just like how the day and night keep following each other in an endless cycle, life and death surely come from one another.

We know that life leads to death, he posed, so then death would also lead to life.

The way I translated it into religion is this: By being an atheist, I am simply the same as a religious extremist. One comes from the other, and they are both sides to the same coin.

My philosophical heroes had started to look like ordinary humans with defects and struggles, and what was worse, Phaedrus was actually giving a lot of credit to the mystics and religion. Fuck.

The Hero’s Journey

Many years after that, I was first introduced to another book, that essentially made me want to write my own, and is really why I am here writing this today: A Hero with a Thousand Faces, by Joseph Campbell.

Mr. Campbell was also largely inspired by Carl Jung, and he was a “mythologist”, having studied religions and tribes all over the world as a profession. What he writes about is that the symbols, myths, and hero stories we hear in Buddha, Moses, Jesus, Mohammed, and many others, move us for the same reasons as Luke Skywalker, Harry Potter, and Indiana Jones do.

These stories provide inherent and true wisdom, that is only unlocked for those who are willing to look beyond the metaphor.

You have the three great Western religions, Judaism, Christianity, and Islam – and because the three of them have different names for the same biblical god, they can’t get on together. They are stuck with their metaphor and don’t realize its reference. They haven’t allowed the circle that surrounds them to open. It is a closed circle. Each group says, ‘We are the chosen group, and we have God.’

Joseph Campbell

And that’s when I realized, my carpooling friend and I were stuck in the same trap. We both took the metaphors of religion literally, him wanting to believe them, and myself trying to disprove them.

These symbols, I realized, are not to be debated. They are meant to provide a wide range of age-old wisdom which is meant to inspire depending on which stage you are in life.

It is when we take these religious metaphors to attempt to prove ourselves right or use “self-controlled verses” such as what Plato said, that is really where we get into trouble.

Campbell depicted the hero’s journey, on which we are all voyaging. While our pitstops are different, all of us, including our prophets and favorite protagonists, go through the same cycle.

This is the same formula that I have used to create Maskat’s world and story. The 11 chapters that I published will take us to the “crossing of the threshold” stage below.

I am currently writing Part II, which will take Maskat across the world and into the “belly of the whale”.

Remember Pinocchio?

The role of religion, movies, theater, and novels alike, is to provide us with anecdotes and metaphors that help us along the way, in our own unique interpretations of them.

In debating religion so fiercely, I had been missing the point. In trying to defy my culture, I had become a cold, hard, enemy of my own self. My war with the outer world only ceased to exist, when I stopped fighting my own upbringing.

I still do not abide by Islam, but I now see it as a black box of stories, some of which can help me. Just characters in a movie, I do not relate to all of them, but some can be really relatable! The others are there to complete the story and enhance the drama, to keep me engaged with the precious truths which lie beneath the surface of the story.

I am not religious, but I am slightly envious of those who are.

Enter My Mother-In-Law

I am married to a wondrously spiritual woman, who was born to a Finnish Christian mother, and an Egyptian Muslim father. My mother-in-law had converted to Islam after marriage, and in it found the ultimate form of freedom and salvation.

From a hero’s journey perspective, Islam drove her transformation, while in my story, it was the “status-quo” that I had to steer away from to find the truth. Neither of us is wrong, we are simply living in two different movies.

Ten years ago, I would’ve tried to convince her that Islam is wrong (and that I am right). Today, I am incredibly inspired by her resilience and her devotion. Where I would have seen an opponent to my ideology, I now see someone with qualities that I want to learn, for reasons of my own.

That idea gives me a lot of freedom. By remembering that my journey is mine and mine alone, I suddenly do not need to fight with anyone. When my internal war with the issue was over, so was my external one. That’s not to say that my internal wrestling is over, but it is directed to more worthy fights that involve knowing myself versus proving that I am right.

To those of you who realize the pattern by now, next Sunday I will be posting a new episode of the Gumpcast that tackles Chapter 5’s main theme: Religion and genders.

I could not possibly have a more exciting guest than Sherin, my wife. Other than the incredible story of her parents who overcame religion to give her and her sisters a great life, she is a mindfulness self-compassion speaker and provides workshops on the subject.

I am very excited to bring some of her explorations straight to your inbox next Sunday.

Stay tuned, and thanks for all the love you guys give me to keep my fuel burning as Maskat continues his strange journey to connect with others and understand himself.

Read Chapter 5

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A note for those who recently subscribed: I posted the first 11 chapters of the novel. Every two weeks I promote a new chapter with a commentary post like this and then an audio interview with someone that inspired the chapter. If you would like to start from chapter 1 click here.

In today’s chapter, Maskat returns from the ultimate adventure, to confront his father for the first time. Check it out here: Chapter 4 | Taurus Strikes

This chapter is largely about the father archetype but also male aggression and how it is shaped by the father-son relationship. It starts with Maskat’s father representing the bull in this story.

Just to be clear, the story in this chapter did not happen to me, I am lucky to have a father who never lay a hand on me. It is not the case with most of my friends though. When I first wrote the chapter, this scene between Maskat and his dad was purely verbal. After hearing several stories, one of which I will feature next Sunday in Ep04 of the “Gumpcast”, I decided to include a physical element to that interaction which will conveniently inform a huge part of Maskat’s psyche in the chapters to come.

Male aggression is not simply something that is a fault in our persona, but behavior that we as boys learn and are rewarded for early on. If you make a man feel ousted because of his aggression, then you’ve severed the connection between you and him. It’s interesting that we let the aggressive men in the world either have their way with us, or fight them back with equal part aggression and violence.

Here is a bit of a curveball for you: What if I told you that masculine aggression is a strength as much as it is a weakness? A male locked in full-body aggression, with pupils constricted, veins pumping, forehead sweating, and muscles contracted is just as naturally occurring as a lion roaring at its dinner, a bear showing its teeth to protect its cubs, or a deer running for its life from a predator.

These reactions are deeply wired within us, and for boys, aggression is frequently rewarded as a kid. What if we can use this magnificent force of nature in a way that helps rather than harms, one that protects rather than conquers, and a way that allows a man to be in his full glory, rather than an emasculated “nice guy” that is broken, weak and afraid of what people think.

When we give the signal to a man that his aggression is wrong, we are adding fuel to the fire by contributing to the shame that is attracting more of his aggression. What if we help men see their power and experience it in a helpful context rather than try to tame that wild side of them? Much more on this in next week’s audio episode!

I do not think it is a simple problem to fix and it is one of the themes I’m exploring with this novel.

The place where we can all heal is our past, and our families hold the keys to our salvation. The aggressive male is inherited in my opinion, not consciously created. As boys, we are groomed into it by our friends, our heroes, our media, and most importantly, our fathers (or father figures).

Enter today’s topic: The Father Archetype

Here is a summary of today’s archetype from Diane Hancox:

The Father archetype takes the form of God, any god, giant, tyrant, king, judge, doctor, executioner, devil, leader, holy man, boss, wise old man, and of course, father. As with any archetype, both light and dark aspects exist.

The positive aspect of the Father principle suggests law, order, discipline, rationality, understanding and inspiration. When our inner authority figure is supportive, dreams bring capable, benevolent and helpful kings, firefighters, healers and guides.

The shadow Father emerges when the caring guidance and protection turns into abuse of authority. The negative Father archetype involves rigidity, control and a cold intellectual way of relating. This leads to ego and intellectual inflation and a state of hubris.

I hate the phrase ‘toxic’ masculinity honestly. If this statement triggers you, that is ok. Here is the deal: the word toxic inherently creates disconnection. It’s like calling a drug addict a good-for-nothing piece of shit, you may feel better after telling him that, but it’s not very likely to make him kick the habit.

The word toxic does what its name suggests: It spreads hatred into the hearts of both men and women. How many years have we been calling it toxic masculinity? Is there any progress?

I don’t think the conversation is going to move forward unless we realize that masculinity has both a positive side and a shadow side just like the father can be a supportive mentor or a destructive force. Either way, he is a force of nature to be reckoned with, and we need not mess with the nature of that, rather direct this power towards community, compassion, and growth.

Us men need to step into our actual masculine power so that we can collectively stop trying to compensate for it by enslaving other genders, races, and religions.

How do we do that, you ask? I don’t know man. Get out of my head, you tell me in the comments. What purpose or goal in your community would you like to see men stepping into their power to build, protect and connect?

Professor Zemunke in chapter 4 is a father trying to do the best for his children but completely acting out of his own shame. The way he treats Maskat here is the way he treats his own inner child. He is saying out loud what he says to himself. The self-loathing and tightness are clearly a part of his character. He can’t afford to not be in control.

Mr. Zemunke is wounded, and he has not directed much attention to heal those wounds. He, therefore, switches from ‘benevolent father’ to ‘tyrannical father’ pretty quickly.

Tune in next Sunday for the launch of Ep04 | Aggression with my dearest friend, Khaled Sallam.

These blogposts are more of a stream of thought so please excuse some typos/grammar mishaps.

For the next two Sundays, we will be digging into Chapter 3. Read it first if you haven’t, then come back here!

The Inner Child

If you have been following the commentary on the story, you probably know by now that archetypes are a main part of the theme. Archetypes are different parts of us that are created from something that happened to us or that we have inherited from our family.

These parts of us all want different things, and our journey (along with Maskat) is to find the identity we call the “self” which can communicate with these parts, bringing peace to our whole psychological playing field. If none of that made sense, it is ok. In time, the more you get into the story and the episodes to come, the more you will start understanding this whole idea more clearly, which you can actually use to heal some parts of the self-inflicted wounds that are part of our psychology.

I am a guy with a troubled mind. Many people tell me that I am gifted and that I am calm and relaxed, but on the inside, I tell myself that I am not enough, and find it hard to connect with others often because of that. Ten years ago, I found it very hard to accept the love which I direly needed in my life. Today, it is much better, but I am also not under the illusion that there is a simple end to my suffering either. I continue to explore it, and continue to go in sprials where it feels like I am coming back to the same things over and over again. It was frustrating at first, but I am starting to feel that my inner world is becoming more and more familiar.

Today, I can’t tell you that I am “healed”, I still beat myself up frequently, but by doing a lot of this work I am pretty aware of this inner commentary, and by the sort of “catching myself” when it starts being nasty to me, I actually find myself much more open to connecting with others. I am certainly able to love and allow others to love me, in a way that I could not even imagine that I am worthy of, 10 years ago.

I used to feel locked in a glass container, and I blamed the world for it. I also blamed my dad for being too harsh on me, but many years later I realized that I had internalized his voice deep inside of me, and made him my own “inner critic”.

You probably heard of the inner critic idea before, it is that asshole voice in your head that berates you when you forget a birthday, fail an exam, or wear that Hawaiian shirt that your friends think is stupid. It is that voice that takes away from our tenacity and resilience and creates an illusion in which we are constantly not good enough.

The inner critic is so powerful, it can create addictions, destroy relationships and in extreme cases, be the driver behind suicide.

So that is the inner critic, which most of us let go unnoticed. For some reason, so many people relate to this idea of having an abusive relationship with themselves and it seems to be a big aha moment for many.

So who is the Inner Child then?

Well, that is another persona that lives in all of us, and s/he is basically the victim of the Inner Critic’s abuse, and also dictates how we experience the outer world. When we get heartbroken, when we are rejected, and when we feel like we have failed, that gut-wrenching sadness comes from the inner child that lives within us, screaming in agony.

So the next time your partner says something that you think is insensitive, or your coworker doesn’t give you the praise you deserve, or when you get rejected for the job of your dreams, take a moment to think about how the 8-year-old child inside of you feels like in that very triggering moment. What is the overall emotion? Can you trace it back to a memory, that the 4/5/6-year-old child in you has? Usually, you’ll find a clue to your suffering if you attempt to answer this question honestly.

For example, I used to get so triggered when my wife left in the middle of an argument. I blamed her so much for “abandoning me” before I actually realized that “abandonment” is what I am experiencing. When I tried to think of early memories that can hold that same emotion, I clearly found a few distinct memories where my mother had left me in a place with other children where I really didn’t want to be. These memories of me crying with despair from my childhood, are so powerful they remain with me to this day (for whatever reason), and they are clearly the same parts that experience this pain nowadays.

Should I blame my mother for these moments? As appealing as that is, it simply won’t help me. This issue is mine, not hers. It is my life that will be restricted if I do not give this wounded child in me some space to breathe.

Otherwise, I will continue to seek that sense of attention from others - forever!

So did that help me be less pissed at my wife when she leaves in the middle of an argument? No. But can we now have a much healthier conversation about it and be compassionate for both our younger wounds? Hell yes! Did uncovering that and communicating it to her make us feel closer? You bet!

The reason why I am spending so much time developing Maskat’s world as a kid before I bring you into his really intense adult world is to build up from that childhood. These early encounters are going to determine what Maskat will be searching for till the end of the novel.

In this chapter, he is free and he is having a peak childhood experience, which is absolutely thrilling despite him knowing that something about what he is doing is wrong.

Children are unruly and operate from the subconscious by nature, and every child feels in his/her element when being a misfit. They can experience the world in a way that has no repercussions until the adults in our lives, decide that we have grown up and “should” act a certain way.

We have no clear way in society to deal with these early wounds that happen to all of us at a young age, and so they are essentially “buried” by our growing conscious mind outside of our psyche into what Carl Jung describes as the “shadow” or “exiles” as coined by the more recent Internal Family Systems psychology.

As a result of how overwhelming the pain is in some of these situations, we keep those memories (and therefore essential parts of us), locked up in a room where no one can see them or experience them. We can only do so for so long before these parts in our shadow start acting up, and that is when our mental health as adults can suffer. So many people wrote about the inner child and that child archetype idea shows up all over popular media. One of my favorites is Butters from South Park.

Here is one of his best episodes and very relevant to what I am talking about:

So in this chapter 3, I try to highlight the glory of being a child and the excitement that comes naturally from being unruly and unrestrained. By a process of discovering adults, we can create that space in our psyche which we deprive our inner children of.

The most important thing about chapter 3, is how different it feels from chapter 4, where Maskat gets all that freedom suddenly stripped away from him by an intense parenting moment.

I hope you enjoy this chapter, and that you take the time to let me know what you think in the comments section/via email!

Next week I will continue exploring the inner child with one of my favorite people to talk to. A long-time friend, with an incredibly funny and loving inner child, who is now learning how to deal with the mischief of his 5-year-old son, and what he would like to see in the world for his 3-month-old daughter.

Stay tuned for an email next Sunday with episode 3 of the Gumpcast!

We’re now going to be moving to Chapter 2, which is actually where the story starts. This chapter is based on my grandfather who I would love to make this chapter a tribute to him.

He taught me many things at a very early age and I looked up to him and sometimes wish I can sort of ‘download’ some of his qualities: A passion for creativity, a deep practice of forgiveness, and a childish sense of curiosity.

He once explained to me how important hobbies were for one’s life. He was much more than an army general, but a writer, photographer, and painter. Losing him wasn’t easy, but it is only after he died when I realized that these qualities are still accessible. I just have to find some way to practice them, and maybe bring a little part of him to life every now and then.

An idea that struck me as I continue to explore who I am, is the idea of archetypes as first described by Carl Jung as “models of people, behavior, or personalities”. The idea is that these live within our psyche, and we can access them anytime and invite them to be part of our conscious selves.

Think of them as incredible vintage original records that are stored away in a bookshelf, but you know that you can blast any of them at any time and bring in the words of Frank Sinatra, Pink Floyd, or Gunsn’Roses. Just like different artists, different archetypes have different roles in our lives and help us at various stages, all we have to do is play the right song at the right time.

In order for us to make a good choice, we have to know what kind of albums we have in the library and sort them out a little so that we know what songs we have and how to find them. Carl Jung wrote a lot about how we can explore these archetypes that are within us through dream journaling and art therapy, and are mostly related to where we come from and who we come from.

The archetype that I explore in Chapter 2 is Maskat’s grandfather and he is the first of many that will be exposed in each chapter. This archetype is a creative, world-loving, and kind one. One that brings wisdom and a fierce strength of knowing.

There is a lot of that that comes up in both old-school religions and new-age mumbo jumbo that calls towards that idea of learning from our ancestors, and that is because it works. The only way I have found it to be meaningful though is when the archetype I am trying to access is someone I know rather than some deity/fictional hero.

I am not a religious guy, but I am trying to use drama and stories to explore my own consciousness. I hope that my explorations of characters and archetypes in these coming chapters allow you to reflect on the people in your life who have provided guidance that served you, whether they are still with us or not.

It may sound freaky, but leveraging my grandfather as some sort of spirit guide has helped me immensely in the past few years, and I am going to invite my sister to talk about this in the next episode, where together, we shall attempt to summon my grandfather’s spirit!

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Read Chapter 2

In case you missed this last time, here is what I am doing:

• Every 2 weeks: I will open up one of the chapters for discussion. You can see which chapter we are on by clicking on ‘Top’ on the homepage. You’ll see all relevant posts to the current chapter.

• For each chapter, I will add some commentary on the themes within it and I will occasionally interview some of the folks that inspired this writing.

• What I need from you: Participation and Feedback. This has been crucial to me so far. So please don’t spare a comment, email, or use the threads I will crate to share something.

• Share it with your friends that would like that kind of conversation. Everyone is welcome!

So thank you. Here is my first official post.

This is how it works:

• Every 2 weeks: I will open up one of the chapters for discussion. You can see which chapter we are on by clicking on ‘Top’ on the homepage. You’ll see all relevant posts to the current chapter.

• For each chapter, I will add some commentary on the themes within it and I will occasionally interview some of the folks that inspired this writing.

• What I need from you: Participation and Feedback. This has been crucial to me so far. So please don’t spare a comment, email, or use the threads I will crate to share something.

• Share it with your friends that would like that kind of conversation. Everyone is welcome!

Aight, let’s get to it.

We will start with Chapter 1: Prologue for the first 2 weeks of March. I am very excited to interview a dear friend whose encounter with an actual bull inspired this first chapter! Tune in next Sunday to hear it.

Writer’s Commentary on Chapter 1:

I chose this as the start of the novel for how vulnerable and touched I was when I heard this story. We frequently think of obstacles as things that need to be crushed and destroyed. Otherwise, we are cowards. What drew me into this story was how the narrator chose a form of compassion and connection versus destruction.

I find myself reacting to confrontations (mostly with people, not bulls) in one of two ways: Either ‘Othering’/Vilifying them or avoiding them completely. This story really inspired me. There seems to be another path towards conflict.

So the question becomes how do we hold that sort of “Fierce Compassion” towards another being that might be at a crossroads with our path? I just loved the literal imagery and the figurative meaning in this. For those of you who read further into the chapters, you realize that Maskat grows up in the presence of many bulls around him, and the child meets many male versions of the bull throughout this first part of the novel.

This chapter is the first, but it is actually is set in a timeline that is many decades after the child version of Maskat that I introduce in Chapter 2. This is meant to show where the story is going, and I hope it has piqued your curiosity for what is to come, and how the insecure child that is being bullied by everyone, will eventually rise to be able to magically connect with animals and have the maturity that is required to do so. This is also one of the few chapters that are written in the form of a memoir/journal rather than the 3rd person narrative style I use for the chapters. I wanted to write the whole book that way in the beginning but then decided to leverage this as a tool that brings you deep inside one of the character’s psyche every now and then. I have been told that these pieces are the most touching.

The person who shared this story with me is someone I look up to, especially when it comes to human connection. He is someone who has been through many conflicts in his life, and so this is kind of a testament to him and the progress he has been able to make which I admire so much, and think there is much to learn from.

I basically took the story and put in works almost verbatim here, but I did add the concept of shame and inner voices which will return many times throughout the book. This is something I struggle with myself, all the stories telling me that I should do this, or be a certain way. This has pushed me into a state of mental paralysis many times and I write this chapter in the hope of reminding myself and the readers that this is a state of mind that can be challenged or at least accepted for what it is.

The bigger theme here is this: The bull is inside of us all, and by fighting it we get locked in a bloody conflict, whereas by accepting it and relating to it, we can find a way out. It is not easy, and that is going to be Maskat’s journey throughout the story.

As you all know, I am experimenting, so if this commentary is helpful let me know, if it is not, also please let me know! See you next Sunday!

I have also started a discussion thread for this chapter. Please use it and let me know what this chapter means for you!

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