Coming Back to Life

and the end of my Search for Gumption

It is time for me to start writing again. I have been hiding under the rubble of my old identity and struggling to find the words to explain what life is like for me these days. This ends with today’s email.

Some of the voices in my head say:

• What is the point of this blog?

• You are not growing in subscribers fast enough.

• No one cares about your feelings.

• This is not helping you and your two unpublished books.

Sometimes, the tornado of life emotions feels too sacrosanct to put into words.

To summarize it in pictures…

My life currently looks like this on the outside

Photo courtesy of one Naveen Rao. Check out his Neurotech Futures here on substack. It is the best thing in neuroscience journalism and a major source of inspiration.

However this is how my life feels like on the inside these days

I am no longer In Search of Gumption

When I started my journey with this blog in 2021 and named it “In Search of Gumption” I was a different person than who I am today.

Writing about it was a huge part of the transformation over the past 3 years. Thank you for being my witness. It always means the world to me that you are here. Whether you pay me to write, help me to spread the word, or simply read my essays here, it all literally means the whole world to me.

It means you vote for me to keep on doing this.

To keep on breathing this.

To keep on bringing this.

To keep on coming back to life.

Today, I feel like I have found my gumption. I know where it comes from, and I see the fraudulent ideas that were implanted in my mind as I yearned for it (and in the minds of many who come to the Bay Area searching for it ever since the Gold Rush).

I am no longer on a quest.

I am no longer In Search of Gumption.

I am a door, a candle, a guide, a tent.

Take a dip with me.

Let me dream with you.

Let me twist your time.

I finally feel like I am doing exactly what I am meant to do in this world.

It has been 391 days since I left my San Francisco apartment to save money and go all-in on building my trauma-informed and data-driven health program that is now known as the ‘The Human Dash’.

Since then, I have helped 10 Bay Area professionals who are undergoing major life and work transitions build self-compassion, measure the impact of work-related stress on their bodies, and reverse it using evidence-based techniques.

I have also launched a membership program to help them continue tracking their biometrics and work together in the community. Something we are all direly lacking. It is extremely powerful, and we’re getting rave reviews.

I am offering the coaching program in person in SF and virtually.

We have 3 more spots open till the end of the year - if you know someone who is struggling with a shitty boss, or a tough relationship transition and needs help have them sign up for a free assessment and consultation.

We’ve also rebranded The Gumpcast into “The Better Perspectives Show” bringing a live audience and a live musical experience - thanks to the incredibly talented Volkan Eren- to open up a safe space and live healing discussion with the audience after we record the podcast.

It is magnificent.

Want to join the future of podcasting? Come be part of our live audience. We are doing two more before we close the season. RSVP on the links below if these topics interest you.

(Only 10 tix available for each - we’re working on a bigger venue for next year)

Nov 25th @ 7pm [Multigenerational Trauma] with Jewish Psychologist Michael Gelbart

Dec 16th @ 7pm [Our Attention Deficit Society] with Psychiatrist and Navy Veteran Dr. Andrew Chacko.

Both really high quality individuals and thought leaders in their spaces.

All the painful dots of my past (burning out as a doctor, being laid off as a clinical data consultant, organizing Health 2.0 events with minimal support, going through a divorce and my un-materialized passion for writing) are all amalgamating into one wildly non-linear and unique path for me toward the stars.

However…I am no longer willing to act like I am ok.

I am not ok right now. I am so heartbroken for myself and the world.

During these past 391 days, as I searched hard for Gumption, did my best to save money, build my clientele, and deliver an excellent service, I have been struggling to find my stable ground towards my own stability.

But more importantly, my mental health is deeply disturbed by the countless lives we continue to lose in the Arab world. It doesn’t matter if I do my meditation practice in the morning. This shit still stabs my heart on the daily hourly.

Our bodies as Arabs are so disposable these days. I just can’t see the world the same way anymore since Oct ‘23.

I can’t act like it doesn’t impact me. You can’t act like it doesn't impact you either.

I struggle to metabolize all of this. I write a post, delete it, then post it. I debate someone, the listen, then block people, the unblock them to stay open.

Sometimes, I crawl up into a ball and cry. I mostly just do that one last thing. Fetal position, cry, smoke weed, repeat.

As the people of Palestine, Lebanon, Sudan, Yemen, Syria, and Ukraine fight for their right to self-determination (Not to mention the Congo and many others I am not even aware of), I find myself struggling for my own existence.

“Born like this
Into this
As the chalk faces smile
As Mrs. Death laughs
As the elevators break
As political landscapes dissolve
As the supermarket bag boy holds a college degree
As the oily fish spit out their oily prey
As the sun is masked
We are
Born like this
Into this
Into these carefully mad wars”

From Bukowski’s Dinasauria We

As their bones continue being crushed by tanks and bombs…

As the gluttonous rulers of the Arab cheer on…

As the colonial regimes strike with might…

I find myself facing my own little existential dread and watching it passively like a bad movie on a flight that never ends.

Are we there yet? How many more bodies will we need to get there?

What is worse…is that I feel guilty for feeling bad.

The art of learned helplessness.

* Activating numbing agents…*

The voice inside of me says: “How dare you feel bad when all these people have it really bad. You live in one of the most beautiful places in the world. Stop whining you little punk.”

But the reality is that there is a war happening inside of me. I am not a little punk. I am someone who is trying to live in integrity.

I am struggling to survive in the Bay Area without selling my soul to something.

I am displaced.

I am uncertain of my future.

I am separated from my loved ones.

While I work on my dreams, I keep finding myself ready to sacrifice my sanity for the hairy fangs of Uncle Sam.

Why do we do that?

I am facing that same capitalist machine that kills babies, but I am facing it on its home turf.

It is the same machine that crushes the souls of my clients.

It is the same machine that has stacked the chips against our health.

It is the same machine that sells us bullshit wellness miracles that are supposed to make us healthy overnight.

It is all the same thread of an old way of being that is devoid of humanity. How long is that late stage of capitalism supposed to last exactly?

It is the reason why I do the work that I do with The Human Dash to help people fight back in their work environments. It is the reason why the conversations we have after the podcast are so healing.

Then I wonder… am I part of it? Am I a fraud? Aren’t I part of the problem by contributing to this machine?

*Activating fetal position, crying and weed protocol…*

Am I also selling wellness miracles?

The answer is NO! I have the data to prove that these people’s lives improve. I help restore their bodies. That gives me a sense of purpose. Seeing the result of work related stress bring healthy years back into people’s lives, quality back into the relationships, and agency back into their psyches, is what keeps me gumptionized right now.

What is keeping you going these days?

However, I wake up every day feeling terrified, wondering how I will make it to the end of the month. Some other voice inside of me tells me to be small rather than stand tall and scream about the changes I want to see in the world.

I feel the weight of my failed marriage and my lay-off on my shoulders. I sometimes struggle to get myself to exercise or meditate, feeling like an imposter as a certified functional medicine coach.

Moreover, I watch the news, and I sometimes wonder:

• What is the point of all of this?

• Why do I want to pay taxes to this US government?

• Why don’t I just go back home to Egypt?

• Why don’t I just get a regular job and suck it up?

• Can I truly make a difference in this world, or am I delusional?

• Why does the upcoming election matter?

Coming Back to Life, with Better Perspectives

“Where were you when I was burned and broken?

While the days slipped by from my window, watching”

Pink Floyd - Coming back to life

Sometimes all we need is to know that someone is going through the same thing we are and that we are not alone. This unlocks a huge path for transformation and empowerment.

That is why a good conversation can be the most important tool that we need to survive tough times.

An Aha moment came to me during my last (sold-out!) podcast interview with Akeisha Johnson, who helps underrepresented people find a path to the C-suite through her company: An Inspired Story.

I asked her why should any of us vote? Why should we still care if both candidates suck? Why should we believe in change if it feels too impossible?

She had a simple answer: Maybe you are supposed to feel this way.

Maybe you are supposed to feel

• helpless

• choiceless

• powerless

• burnt out

• like your voice doesn’t matter

• like you have to put up with your extremely toxic boss

Maybe you are supposed to feel all of that to understand why it exists.

Maybe then we can understand why things are the way they are, and through that, we can fucking shine again. Maybe when we do, we can be that guiding light for others.

Maybe we need to stop fixing the world, fixing our well-being, fixing ourselves, and instead feel it all more deeply.

Maybe that is the whole point of this life thing.

💡 Here is today’s better perspective: Maybe instead of searching for things -like gumption- we need to feel the actual pain we have that drives us to search for things in the first place. 💡

Maybe instead of longevity hacks, we need to meditate on our death and our inevitable mortality.

Maybe instead of green smoothies and yoga, we need to make space for others in our lives and tell them about our pain.

Maybe instead of going on retreats, we need to create safe environments in our workplaces.

Maybe instead of endless therapy and numbing behaviors, we need to create more art.

These are some of the Better Perspectives I promise to bring you in this blog now.

Don’t worry though, the search for gumption classic gut-wrenching posts (such as this one) will keep on coming under the Gumption tab.

In addition to the usual stuff, my team and I will bring you a lot more in this blog. Over the next year we will start releasing a host of different articles with some much more research-driven reporting and longevity journalism.

Here are some teasers about what is to come:

• Bullshit-o-meter Articles: Dispelling wellness myths and bullshit that is not scientific or helpful to help you save your money from fads. [Free Always]

• The Human Dash Articles: These are well-researched evidence-based health essays that will help guide you towards reclaiming your health and building actual long-term meaningful well-being. [Free with Paid Exercises and Workbooks].

• The Better Perspectives Show: Interviews that we produce from our events and transcripts from our podcast. [Free episodes and exclusive group discussions and live events for Paid members]

• Ask Me Anything about Health Monthly: For [Paid] Members.

• In Search of Gumption: My classic spilling my guts out to you posts like this one you just finished reading. [Fucking Free Forever!]

With love,

Omar Shaker