Misery = Desires - Reality
100 hours of meditation later...
At some moment during the 100 hours of meditation I realized that
a) I am an asshole, and
b) I can be less of one if I can make myself less miserable and
c) I am the only reason behind my misery.
I come back, sadly not as an enlightened being, but as one who is slightly less terrified of himself and the world.
So today we will cover misery, how it relates to our gumption, and I’d like to share an equation that feels groundbreaking for me.
But first…some cuteness
As some of you might remember, I have gone rogue since Oct 1st and have left my apartment to take care of dogs and live in rich people’s homes. After taking care of Beau and Lucy, I ventured down to the magical healing waters of Esalen, and finally made it to the desert of Joshua Tree (the location of the 10 day course).
Ok enough beauty. What is Misery?
One of the key teachings of the 10-day Dhamma course was this: Misery happens when we want something we do not have (craving - think: hot person on Instagram you want to date) or when we do NOT want something that we currently have (aversion - think: asshole boss).
These two states don’t just create misery, but multiply them over and over again even after the trigger is gone.
This made so much sense to me and led me to this equation that has been swirling in my mind throughout the 10 days:
Misery = Desires - Reality
So Misery is the delta between when I want and what I actually got.
And the question of course becomes: So how do we bring misery down to 0?
The only way to do that according to algebra is to make Desire = Reality. That way, they cancel each other out and Misery goes down to (or close to) 0.
Is that really possible?
Well let’s look closer at what this means.
First let’s look at how craving works with misery
I’ll use my coaching business as an example.
My desire was to have 5 clients in October. The reality was that I only had two. (Notice my choice of the word only, creating instant misery for myself!)
So in this case: Desire >> Reality and Misery here is driven by the delta of 3 clients. The lack of these 3 theoretical clients is what was causing me misery. I felt depressed for a few days, but I quickly took action.
To bring Misery down to 0, I had two options:
Change reality or
Change my desires.
Changing reality in this case is impossible because I tried my best, and we’re not even in October anymore - so getting 5 clients in October is literally impossible unless I time travel and I wont get into that.
Instead, I can change my desires.
Now most people will feel some aversion (misery) towards that idea because you will ask me this: Doesn’t that mean that I would be less ambitious? But what about my dreams?! My goals! My strategy! My business! Oh my oh my oh my!
Relax. My answer is that this is not a curbing of your enthusiasm in any way.
Au contraire, mon ami!
In this scenario, once my marketing campaign was over, what I did was change my desire from “get 5 clients” to “give the 2 clients I have the best possible experience they could dream of”.
Instantly, my desire could now match my reality. I still had very high ambitions to serve these clients with exceptional devotion and focus. That became my goal. Because my misery went down, my gumption went up, and soon my reality was that I had two ecstatic clients by the end of 6 week burnout program.
These two clients were so happy, they gave me raving testimonials, boosted my own confidence in myself, helped me zero in on what was important, and inspired the next steps of my business.
This would not have been possible with 5 clients in October, and now when I do get 5 clients per month, I will know exactly how to serve them.
So when Desire can match Reality, misery goes down, gumption goes up and things become possible beyond what we imagined.
Ok now for the other darker side: Aversion.
During my 10 days, I was instructed to keep my eyes closed during hours of meditation. Images from Gaza that had plagued my consciousness going into the retreat kept coming up over and over and over again, and deep aversion ran through my brain like a wild loud and relentless horse.
So in this case:
My desire = no war and no killing.
Reality = war, killing, and destruction everyday.
The delta of misery here for me is through the roof, and therefore my reactivity on social media has been insane. I was losing my mind, how can no one see that this killing is bad for all of us?
No amount of speech, posting, crying, or righteousness will change reality.
At the same time I can’t change my desires to make myself want war and destruction.So what does one do here?
The answer came in the last few days of the course, when we started practicing the wisdom of equanimity.
e·qua·nim·i·ty /ˌekwəˈnimədē,ˌēkwəˈnimədē/
noun. mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation.
The way we practiced it in the retreat was by witnessing sensations and pain that came through the body (for me was a grueling consolidated cramp in my left shoulder), and the idea was to practice it by not reacting (massaging, moving, stretching, scratching, etc.) and instead to be still.
What I realized ultimately - and this is the wisdom piece of it all - is that everything -good or bad- arises, changes, and passes.
We all know this.
“This too shall pass” is such a common phrase, and yet we forget when gumption is low. This applies to bodily sensations, heartbreak, wars and any tough time we go through. Such is the nature of the universe we live in.
Everything and everyone is born, and everything and everyone dies. This includes empires, companies, divorces, death of loved ones, and financial struggles.
Sometimes the best action, is not to react.
What the Israeli government is doing now is reacting to misery (Oct 7th) with way more misery (ongoing war). So how can I be better than that in my own reaction to it?
Seems counter intuitive, but it is by not reacting to it. Perhaps that is the only path of accepting this miserable reality, and not multiplying it.
Accepting reality and not reacting.
Accepting that people I know on social media will choose not to see this and stick to their own narrative, and my goal is to not react to them either.
This way, my desire still does not match reality and the misery will simply continue, but at the very least, I am not contributing to it.
I am not multiplying it over and over and over again in my head and in conversations.
It is the same thing we do after annoying work conversations or breakups as well. Multiplying that misery over and over in our heads long after that person is gone.
A final thought on intoxicants and social media
Social media is the hot soup of reactivity that serves as a growing culture for craving and aversion for all of us. That is how they make money.
Their business model is literally rooted in our misery.
Their goal is to increase the delta between our desires and our reality, and thereby increasing the delta of their profit margins from ads.
Again, something we all know, but a trap many of us keep falling into. One of my biggest takeaways is to stop reacting to it and to use it as a continuation of my mental training in equanimity.
The last thing I want to mention is that one way I have dealt with misery over the past decade or so is by using mind-altering substances such cannabis, psychedelics, and to a lesser extent alcohol.
So why have these been so helpful with misery? Well, I realize these are all things that can alter reality in a way sufficient to make me think that they match my desires in a way. (So I change reality to be equal to my desires and hence misery goes down a bit).
If I can’t be in reality fully, then for a moment I feel like I have made a breakthrough in my misery and that there is less of it. That can be helpful - but only to a certain extent.
This is not to condemn any of these substances of course, but one of my main takeaways after this 10 day retreat is that I want to live (for the first time in a decade) free of all substances that alter reality.
I want to sharpen my reality, so that I can adjust my desires accordingly, and be able to practice equanimity in a more sustainable way.
That is my 1 year plan out of misery.
As the Vipassana legendary teacher S.N. Goenke says: May all being be happy and free of suffering.
May you be peaceful.
May the forces of harm change.
May we rise to a new reality free from craving and aversion.
May you have a little more gumption into this week.
See you next Sunday with a new Gumpcast episode on Preventing Suicide with Paulo Machado,
Much love,
Omar
You made it till the end!
I leave you with a dose of cuteness from the incredible Lucy.
May she one day find what she is digging for.
Amazing coaching!! Thank you Omar!
This is a great article 👍
we can title it ‘A recipe of a peaceful & a happy life’