Vive la France. As she burns and her people do what they do best and revolt against their government, I find myself paying very close attention.
They are reminding us that the price of gas and groceries are indeed ridiculous right now.
Like, oh….I am not the only one thinking this.
And oh…people can actually revolt when the government impacts them negatively.
We’ll see if the situation gets resolved in France, but one thing is for sure — they are expressing their anger, and in that, there is healing.
You know, its easier to talk about your VO2 Max and the latest peptide research, but to talk about the shame driving all your unhealthy actions and thoughts?
Treacherous!
The streets of France gave me the courage to come out of my cave and rewrite this essay that has been lurking in my drafts since I last wrote you about addiction in July.
I know it seems like I have been hiding away from you, my beloved reader. Its been months since I wrote you. It is not like I don’t miss you, or don’t want to write to you anymore.
Au contraire mon ami — I’ve just been terrified to open my heart box, and show you the lobsters and pungent emotions brewing inside of me when it comes to money.
So I hope you understand that it is not you I am trying to avoid…
But myself.
The dreaded I.
That singular and narrow letter through which we see the world.
I. Me. Mine.
But France showed me that its ok.
Its healthy, bro mon frère.
People die for money, marry for money, divorce because of money, live a meaningless life because of money and ultimately die regretting all the time they spent making money.
“Money, money, money
Must be funny
In the rich man's world”
ABBA
One hallmark difference between a stress-prone persona (likely to develop diseases from stress) versus one that isn’t…is the healthy expression of anger and the ability to say No.
So if America and France were two people right now, both experiencing the same financial stressor, I would bet on France coming out healthier.
Because meanwhile in the US, as prices soar, crooks drag us into wars, get rich off their policies and get away with sex trafficking — we remain passive.
Maybe we’re all afraid to write this essay!
Instead, we continue exchanging our bodies for money.
Don’t you?
Don’t you sit and stare at your screen for an abominable number of hours?
Don’t you forget to eat, or eat too much when you’re working?
Don’t you forget to sleep, pee, move, and play with your children because of money?
“Muahahahaha….” said the Corporate overlords.
So today mon chou, I want to break down the science of stress, shame and financial struggles to offer a new perspective around money and will leave you with some questions about how we can have a healthier relationship with it, because our lives do —sadly— depend on it.
As always I’ll bring myself into the room first.
And boy has money been difficult for me.
That’s why I’ve been avoiding this essay (and my bank account!)
Research suggests a possible feedback loop that explains my avoidance: financial strain is associated with poorer health → financial shame can contribute to disengagement → which may deepen hardship → result in more strain.
Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera!
TL;DR* of the science we’ll cover today in case you need to leave early:
1- Financial strain and debt are consistently associated with poorer mental, physical, and functional health, although much of the evidence is observational and cannot establish causation. (Samuel et al., 2025; Guan et al., 2022; Richardson et al., 2013)
2- The relationship runs both ways: income shocks can affect mental health, while illness and hospitalization can increase financial burdens and reduce earnings. (Ridley et al., 2020; Thomson et al., 2022; Dobkin et al., 2018)
3- Financial shame is linked to disengagement, leading to further avoidance of financial education, while self-compassion interventions can reduce distress and possibly break the loop. (Gladstone et al., 2021; Han & Kim, 2023; Kaiser et al., 2022)
4- Studies also link income and wealth patterns with longevity and mortality, but causal evidence varies; income, debt, financial strain, and perceived financial wellbeing are distinct measures. (Chetty et al., 2016; Pool et al., 2018; Shimonovich et al., 2024).
*I used AI to research and summarize this TLDR.
The rest of the essay is purely and viciously my own words.
If you like these essays → consider giving me some money → and become a paid reader. 🙏🏼
It can’t buy happiness, but can it buy me better sleep?
As the French saying goes “L’argent ne fait pas le bonheur”, or money can’t buy good times (happiness), and yet I find myself thinking…can it buy is a lil’ sleep? And perhaps some long term health?
As my money problems rose this summer, not having weed or tobacco as a crutch has been an extra challenge. But today I’m still on that path.
It’s just that being sober, also means feeling everything.
And feeling everything means losing sleep.
Becasue things aren’t good. It’s easier to be in tune with my emotions when things are good.
But…I have been waking up exactly at 3.30 am for a very important dispatch from Omar Shaker’s HQ. Our agenda is: When will we make some real motherfuckin' Money?
And no…Before you give me your magnesium-dosage-melatonin-cocktail-of-trypthophan-sleep-hygeine-cold-pillows-matthew-walker-regurgitation-tips-and-tricks-and-body-hacks — lemee tell ya: Don’t.
Huberman and Peter Attia wake me up from my dreams.
More protein! More Sauna! Higher Vo2 Max!
I get it, but this is not about me ‘hacking’ my sleep.
My body is already hacked!
Sorry longevity, the economy has beat you to it babes.
Estimated longevity differed by 14.6 years for men and 10.1 years for women between the top and bottom income percentiles. A population gradient, based on approximately 1.4 billion person-year observations. Chetty R et al. (2016).
(So it’s less about following Peter Attia’s protocols and more about having Peter Attia’s money)
And so at 3.30 am, my heart goes Lub-Dup-motherfucking-Lup-D-dup!
My brain goes:Wake up guy. The Tiger is right there in the bushes!
Send an email! Close a deal! Build a funnel! Get a job! Do something! NOW!
My gut goes: Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.
Underneath that, is my mad desire to:
Make dad proud of me.
Show the boys that bullied me in middle school my true self-worth.
Give compelling evidence to my exes for what they’re missing out on
Get some kind of validation from the world that I matter and I belong
Let my LinkedIn ‘community’ now that I made it
I know its not logical for me to experience these things. Yes gratitude, and acceptance, and meditation but also…
Lub-Dub-Lup-D-dub! is how my heart goes.
3.30 am.
I am afraid, man.
Terribly, terribly, afraid.
And its so bad for my health.
8,400 young U.S. adults. Relative debt associated with stress, depression, self-rated health, and diastolic blood pressure. Sweet E. et al (2013). Another analysis of 4,934 participants showed financial strain was associated with a higher-risk immune–neuroendocrine profile four years later. CRP, fibrinogen, cortisol, and IGF-1 Hamilton OS et al. (2024).
My Delusions of Self Worth
So let’s just get to the core of it: Money — I ain’t got much of it left. And I live in the most expensive place in the world.
And if you are here…you know…it’s not like I have been idle.
I’ve built a company that sustained me for the past few years, and these days her and I are having some growing pains.
Its been hard to survive as an entrepreneur and a writer in the Bay Area. Some things I’m dealing with are:
A hilarious silent resentment I have for grocery clerks, every time they say “Your total will be $220 dollars” for a week’s worth of basic food items.
I think twice before I visit people in the East Bay because gas is $6.2 + and tolls are killing me.
Eating out in a Hayes Valley restaurant costs about as much as a frickin’ Oura ring!
Bills and parking tickets are like slaps on my bruised and burnt cheeks.
In order to make the business sustainable and grow to the next level, I have to pour the very little money I made into its growth…and even worse…I need to ask others for help.
So I have been building my app, raising money and getting rejected every morning.
Still I keep a brave smile on my face as my role of Chief motivator for my team, investors and clients.
Pouring more and more and more into it.
And it feels mad. It feels futile. It feels insane. I’m giving, not getting, and I’m resenting. A silent, deafening, resentment of the world.
Meanwhile, the little taxes I pay on the little money I make, contributes to big bombs that they drop on the part of the world that I come from. (Just in case things needed to make any less sense.)
“I work all night, I work all day to pay the bills I have to pay
Ain’t it sad?
And still there never seems to be a single penny left for me
That’s too bad…
Money, Money, Money.”
But then I remember what I got: Writing.
I Write and write and write.
I have a novel, revised into its 11th draft, now finally ready for the world. I have a non-fiction manuscript about the science of stress phenotypes and how we can better metabolize stress and shame in the body. They both need budgets for editors, cover design, print costs etc.
And I keep getting rejected.
Rejected by publishers, agents, grants, writing competitions, investors, and prospective clients.
If only I can get a $100 for every time I received a “We regret to inform you….” or when someone says “I’ll have to think about it….” and never calls back…my money problems would be solved.
I tell myself some cliche thing like “Rejection is Redirection”
I say fine. Fine. FINE!
It’s just all part of the process right?
But…I need money….I really do need it to…
Market.
Grow.
Give my dreams a real shot.
I need “money to make money” as they say.
And then there is Shame.
Look. I am angry.
And when I am angry I don’t think straight.
And when I don’t think straight, I do stupid shit.
And when I do stupid shit, I feel less accepting of myself.
And when I don’t accept myself, my body gets hacked by shame.
And when my body is hacked by shame, I can’t sleep!
And when I can’t sleep, my body gets more stressed and less healthy.
And…I want to blame everyone: The billionaires. The machine. AI. You.
Don’t you see how hard I am working?
Don’t you see how valuable my stress-reversal program is?
Don’t you see how good my essays and books are?
But then I’m afraid to write all of this.
I am afraid to show you.
I am afraid to lose you.
It’s easier to keep the mask on.
So I let shame ride my sack of bones into the night, galloping in my brain over the mountains of hope, and into the dark cave of isolation. Isolation fuels it. It grows.
My heart keeps pounding.
Lub-dub. Lub-adeeda-dub. Lub-adeedo-dub.
And it works, until it wakes me up at 3.30 in the morning.
Six studies involving 9,110 participants use experimental, archival, correlational, and longitudinal approaches, show a pathway from shame to financial withdrawal and deeper hardship. (Gladstone et al. 2021)
It sounds like this:
Look at so-and-so he’s in Saudi consulting now and making quarter a mil a year.
Look at your cousin, he’s a plastic surgeon now making so much money off people.
You have a pretty face, you should be a model, a movie star, why dont you try out for the ads?
You’re getting older.
Shame!
You got me again!
56 randomized trials show that Self-Compassion training has some immediate effects on distress outcomes from Depression, Anxiety and Stress. (Han A, Kim TH. (2023).
“All the things I could do…if…I…
had a little money […]
Money, Money, Money
Ain’t it funny?”
ABBA
So How can we become like France (without burning down the streets)?
They say comparison is the thief of joy, and its true, but can we really avoid it in this society?
Its like parking your car in San Francisco.
Yes you know the thieves are out there, but whatchya gonna do?
Not drive?
No, you’ll park it, and hope to freakin’ god that all your windows remain intact, knowing that there is a very high chance you’ll come back to a smashed window.
So I leave you with the following questions and would love to hear your answers in the comments.
1- What is so priceless in your life, that no one can ever take away from you right now? (Something you carry in your heart. A creative project, a hobby, an idea, a poem, a memory — rather than possessions, people, or pets.)
2- Name it to Tame it — What emotions come up for you about money? What ideas are tied to these emotions? What do you know about them?
3- What changes need to happen on a macro level as well as a micro level to create a world with more dignity for all? Is there a way for a better life without a revolution?
4-What small steps can you take today to confront your financial issues rather than avoid them?
Financial struggles resonate with so many of us. Yet, looking at our finances can feel like staring through a glass wall at an insurmountable obstacle, leading to constant procrastination. How can we use self-compassion to break through this barrier?