The Long Treacherous Path of Becoming Myself
Oh dear lord make it stop
“You choose one of two pains: The pain of suppressing who you are to gain acceptance, or the pain of rejection that comes with being who you truly are.” Gabor Mate [he said it more eloquently than that]
Spring is blossoming again with wild flowers on the hills. The pond outside the yurt is blooming with lillipads standing up straight with dignity towards the sun.
The goats roam freely on the hill after Destry built the gate.
People are out again, hosting events, and filling out the parks.
Speaking of which, here are some spring gumptionizing events!
- If you are in the Bay Area, check out the Spring Naga Party where the gigantic sea serpent at Golden Gate Park comes alive again with a fun party on May 9th at 4pm.
- I also attended a magnificent performance of Arabic and Hebrew makam songs performed by the band The Qadim Ensemble. Get on their list here to learn about their concerts. So great!
- Also, our Season 3 Premiere episode goes live on April 21st at 6.30pm pacific on Youtube. Join our online watch party and tell us live how you find it!
Ok now here is where I am this spring.
This is the sixth spring that visits me on this wild 10 year journey of becoming a full-time writer, live closer to nature, and have calmer more supportive relationships.
Some highlights of where I am this season in my strangely fulfilling journey:
I just submitted the third rewrite and manuscript for my novel Rafiki (6 years and 8 drafts in the making now) to a new set of publishers and competitions. My brain only expects rejections now and it has stopped waiting for anything else. I’ve finally curbed the manic part of my brain. It now gets all its dopamine from the sheer act of doing work and submitting it is the prize.
Submit and keep writing.Season 3 of the podcast is out. I am back on the socials (check us out here on Youtube, spotify or apple podcasts or find us in the cesspool of instagram here). I prepared six months worth of long form interviews, essays and reels. Not getting much likes or noticed really, and I have come to terms with that. Post and carry on.
The Human Dash company has had its best quarter yet. More revenue, new awesome people coming in to help out, and finding better models to build this out in a way that makes sense to me. I tack to so many people that need my services and don’t sign up, or potential investors that don’t get it or want try to convince me to be an AI company. I honestly don’t care.
Pitch and move on.
That is how spring is looking like, and it is not that I have mastered the art of not giving a fuck. Not at all.
It is just that the fucks I give are now more subtle.
Small things > Big Things.
Fewer Friends > Everyone I meet.
Clients and Readers I have > Ones I have lost.
Surgical fucks.
That is how I keep going now.
Creativity is Treacherous
I have come to realize that Creativity, just like sexuality and martial arts, is an act of becoming more of who I am.
It involves grappling with myself, claiming my deepest desires, and facing all of my insecurities, all at once.
It involves being rejected…all the time.
I know that it does not sound appealing.
And it shouldn’t be.
If I look at that whole ten year vision as though it were one year, then 2026 is looking like the Spring of that decade.
Here is a quick recap of how it has been going so far if you are new here:
2020 - 2023 Fall: Just like a school year, my ten year vision started in its Fall season. I was living in Cairo then. I started writing a novel, recorded the first podcast episode, and got a grant to run my first health program. I moved back to SF in 2022, and by the end of that year I was divorced, and my consulting contract had all dried up. By mid 2023, the Bay Area had slashed my liquid savings and my company was facing bankruptcy.
2023- 2026 Winter: The last 3 years felt like an eternity, as I crawled my way out of financial treachery, found home and community all over again, and experienced a massive shift in who my friends are and who I hang out with. All the while, I kept on writing, and kept on doing the podcast, and somehow, kept growing The Human Dash to what it is today.
By doing these things I have chosen the pain of knowing of myself. And that path won’t necessarily lead to money, fame or glory.
What it does lead to is contentment.
I can tell you that.
I also can tell you that all paths will lead to death.
So how do you want to live now?
Knowing that how you live is also how you die.
Do you want to die striving and hiding?
Or do you want to die with a straight spine, facing the sun just like the lilliepads of spring?
If you are working on a creative product you’d or are hosting an event in the Bay Area that you think aligns with what I care about send me an email and I’ll promote it!
Also If you like my writing… it takes a lot of coffee to make it!
Buy me a monthly cappuccino here to support it and get access to the archive and health and creativity worksheets that I will release along the podcast.
